WARNING! Sexual assault, violence, and strong language, including F-Bombs, present in this chapter.

From the Journal of Debbie Evans

I’

I  had always been the type of person who had life mapped out to the minutest detail. I knew exactly what I wanted and went for it like a raging bull. Even when I was going through my divorce, I had a clear path to follow. I never dreamed there would be a time in my life where I was utterly confused.

That all changed when the affair with Simon started. I had every intention of keeping it just friends and never believed for a minute that his intentions were any different. Intentions are fine and dandy, but intentions are just that; intentions. Deeds and actual happenings were what we had to consider now.

Simon and I continued our secret affair. The next few weeks were spent with him coming over to my place every chance he could. We had to be careful to keep it from Ericka, especially due to Simon and her being in the public eye. If our trysts were ever discovered, Ericka’s political career could be damaged beyond repair, and her mayoral office might be put in jeopardy. Simon’s career could also suffer so much that major accounts could be lost. Then, there was, of course, myself to consider. It could mean my job, which I didn’t want to lose for anything. I needed this job, so I knew we had to be extremely careful.

We were starving animals each time we went to bed together. All it took was one look and we’d be tearing each other’s clothes off, both of us in desperate need for each other. We fell into bed where we went at it as though it was mating season in the jungle. We couldn’t deny the passion that overtook us, nor could we resist it. It was part of us.

We always tried to be careful. I was on birth control, and Simon wore a condom most of the time. Each time after the deed was done, there was that voice in my head telling me that we were playing with fire, that it would eventually catch up to us. If I had the gift of foresight, I would have known it wasn’t only the affair with Simon I’d have to worry about.

I was feeling quite proud of myself after work one day. The company was growing, and this quarter, we’d made the most profit we’d ever made. Simon called me into the office to tell me that I was being promoted and he wanted me on the development team. We were developing a new line of cosmetics that Simon wanted me to oversee. When I got home, I did a shameless happy dance around my little house and started a new sculpture. I was hard at work when I heard someone scrabbling at the door.

I was about to yell, “Just a minute!” when the door banged open hard enough that it came off the hinges. My insides turned to jelly when I realized I hadn’t locked it behind me. Sometimes I was careless about that when at home. I mean, Aurora Skies is a pretty safe place to be, and I’d never been particularly worried about someone trying to break in while I was at home. How terribly wrong and stupid I was!

“What the…?” I dropped my chisel and thought I was seeing a ghost when I turned to face my intruder.

“Hello, baby,” Shane sneered at me.

I was shaking inside but didn’t want him to see how unnerved I was. “What the fuck are you doing here? Get out of my house, asshole!” Every good feeling I’d ever had for Shane had evaporated a long time ago. I hated him with a passion. I had never wished anyone dead before, but Shane was the exception. I knew for certain I would dance on his grave if he ever bought it. It’s awful, I know, but that man broke me. How wrong I was to think he could never hurt me any more than he’d done during our marriage and through the divorce.

“I’m not going anywhere until I’m done with you, bitch. You have a lot to answer for and I’m going to take my sweet time to see that you do,” Shane snarled, the viciousness in his voice sending an involuntary shudder down my spine.

“You don’t own me, shithead, so just leave before I call the cops,” I shouted. I sounded braver than I felt and fervently prayed it was enough to rattle him.

When I turned to glare at him, he laughed a horrible, icy laugh that made my insides squirm. “Such brave words for someone so puny,” he taunted. “You won’t be calling anyone, especially that idiot you’ve been whoring yourself to.” I screamed when he grabbed my cell phone and smashed it to pieces under his foot. He tore the cord from the jack to my landline and then fixed me with a look that made me step back from him instinctively. Shane could be a dangerous man, but an angry Shane was much, much worse. I was sometimes scared of him but was never a mousy woman who cowered in the corner. Many times, I gave it back to him, which he always hated. I have a temper that sometimes could get me in trouble. In this instance, I learned too late just how far Shane would go when provoked.

The full intent of his words registered, and the only color I saw before me was red. “How dare you! You’ve been spying on me!” How else could he know about Simon? “What I do is none of your fucking business!” In that instant, I wished I was Godzilla or some other famed monster so I could tear him apart with my bare hands.

He whirled like a dervish and slapped me so hard I literally saw stars. Pain radiated through my jaw, and I thought I was going to pass out. “It is my business every time you spread it for anyone other than me, bitch, so don’t you forget it!”

“Go fuck yourself, Shane, because nobody else in their right mind would!” I hollered back.

He slapped me again and again while I called him every filthy name that was probably ever invented, to which he replied in kind. “How many times did you lay down for him, slut?”

“More than I ever did with you!” I fired at him.

I was slapped again. “Wrong answer, whore. How many?”

“More times than I care to count, and they were all better than any one time it ever was with you!”

I pushed him too far and realized it a split second too late. Shane’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and there was an insane gleam in them that I didn’t recognize. Before I could even scream, I was on my back and pinned to the floor with Shane’s weight on me. “Get off me! Get the fuck off me!”

“Not until I’m finished!” he hissed in my ear. My clothes were ripped from my body, and he took me savagely. I screamed every time he pounded himself into me, feeling pain roar through me with each unspeakably awful thrust. Something tore deep inside, and I cried out desperately. I screamed and screamed. I screamed until I thought I could never stop screaming. I wretched, convulsing violently when he spilled himself inside me. I heaved again and again as I felt the sticky substance run down my inner thighs.

Afterward, I barely heard the door slam as Shane left. I don’t know how long I lay there crying hysterically and heaving repeatedly. I was bleeding, and it hurt so bad that I could barely move. I finally crawled into the bathroom where I was violently sick once again. I hurled until I thought my insides would come loose from their moorings. I heaved until there wasn’t even bile left to come up. The world swam before me, focused, then blurred. I collapsed bonelessly onto the floor, my last thought being that I wished I could just die.

I awoke hours later on the bathroom floor, bloody and sore. I groaned as I tried to move. My head felt like an army of sledgehammers were pounding inside my brain, and I hurt in places I never thought existed. I retched again, and again, there was nothing there to come up.

I managed to get myself into the shower and turned the hot water up as hot as I could stand it. Even then, I winced when it hit me. As the scalding water pounded on my bruised flesh, I let loose with a sound that seemed impossible for a human to make. My soul cried out in agony and torment, and tears mingled with the water that was already bathing my face.

“Why! Someone tell me why!” I ground out as I scrubbed and scrubbed, trying to rid myself of Shane’s ghastly filth.

The song, “As Tears Go By” by the Rolling Stones kept running over and over in my head. I’m not much of a singer, so my mind just spoke the words. “I sit and watch as tears go by…” That was a common phrase in all the verses, and oh, how I could relate to that. Life passed me by, and all I did was watch as children grew up, people aged, and seasons changed. I was detached from most of it, focusing solely on my career. Then, everything caught up to me in a flash, Shane’s attack making me realize I could be vulnerable. I was vulnerable but didn’t realize just how vulnerable I was until the world, as I knew it, came crashing down around me.

Over the next few weeks, I felt awful. I was more nauseous than I’d ever been in my life and sometimes could barely get out of bed. Simon was concerned and said he’d come over, but I told him not to. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him what Shane had done. He would have asked me if I’d gone to the police and insisted on taking me to the hospital. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to forget and just try to put it behind me. After all, I’d pushed Shane too far and knew it. I should have tried to run for it instead of provoking him and trying to show what a tough girl I could be. I found out the hard way that tough girls can, and do, get their asses kicked.

I finally convinced Simon I would be okay. However, I continued to feel awful and had no choice but to ask for a week’s leave of absence. With my promotion, I’d racked up some vacation time and used it. It got to the point where I had no choice but to see a doctor. I never imagined things could get any worse, but when the doctor told me I was pregnant, I knew I was so wrong. I had finally been entrapped in a situation I fervently went out of my way to avoid. I didn’t want to have kids now, possibly ever. However, here I was, single and pregnant. To make matters a thousand times worse, I didn’t even know for sure who the father was.

I sank into a deep depression. I took an extended leave from work, much to Simon’s dismay, and made my escape into the world of books. I read everything I could get my hands on. I ordered ridiculous amounts of both fiction and nonfiction from Amazon and read like a madwoman.

I often fell asleep in the rocking chair, not realizing I’d nodded off. I’d awaken to a stiff neck or a sore back and then start reading until I nodded off again. I hardly slept through the night. When I tried to eat, it would always come back up. I was on a slow road to destruction and barely gave a thought to the baby I was carrying. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.