Author’s Note: While undertaking the necessary task of straightening out the sorry state my poor Simmies were in after redoing my CC folder, I thought I’d do a different type pf post/chapter than I normally do. IRL, I love journaling and make a practice of doing that every day. Although not emphasized in the story (I think that may change), Lenora is an avid journaler and would have emphasized the benefits of keeping a journal to her family members, some of them catching on and following her example. Tyrone, especially during these dark times, would definitely keep a journal, so I decided to run with it. I enjoy keeping character journals and wanted to get up close and personal to what Tyrone is directly feeling and things he may write that he has never said aloud to anyone. I hope you like this style as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’ll certainly do more of it (and with other characters, too) if you all would like or when I feel the urge. I’ve found I really love writing journal style entries (I did this once with Aurora when she was a child), as it really gives a personal look at a character’s inner workings and how they are dealing with situations they are writing about.
I promise, things will be moving at a fast clip over the next few chapters. I’ll be posting regular chapters as soon as I can now that my Sims look like themselves again. 😀 Thank you all for sticking with me. Your support means the absolute world.
This journal entry from Tyrone takes place maybe a day or two before Valerie comes clean to him. I can always write another one for after she comes to see him, for he will certainly have much on his mind and in his heart.
From the Journal of Tyrone Landgraab
In so many ways, my life has moved in unexpected directions. Pathways unforeseen opened up right in front of me, irresistibly beckoning me to follow and changing my life forever. It all began with my captivatingly beautiful, sweet Lenora.
I won’t go into the events of my imprinting, as that has been covered numerous times. I imprinted but had to wait to claim her. I eventually married her, we started our big, lively family, and I achieved my Nirvana. My Lenora was, and is, everything to me, and our family…our Pack…is icing on an already filling cake.
Never did I expect my Nirvana to be snatched away so agonizingly abruptly. The day my Lenora “died” in my arms was the absolute worst of my life. I could never have imagined the unspeakable pain that flattened me. I truly hit rock bottom. I broke in every way possible. The instant she left me, my soul…my very essence shattered irreparably.
Holding her lifeless form was pure torture, but I couldn’t bear to let her go. I think a part of me was in denial. How could something like that happen to my Lenora? She was the epitome of inner strength, the perfect picture of health in full bloom. In my heart, it simply couldn’t be possible. In my head, however, it was blatantly obvious, a cruel twist of fate I couldn’t decipher or find meaning in.
What riddled my thoughts and further maimed my soul was thinking of all the ways my Lenora was gone, things she took with her when she left me. Never again would she call me Wolfman or tell me in her beautiful Irish tones how much she loved me. Never again would I hear those beautiful Irish tones in person or hear her exquisite singing except in recorded format. I would never feel her passionate embrace or the gentle caress of her fingers on my face. She would never return my kisses or hold my hand again, Never again would I feel her beside me in bed or breathe in her unique scent made up of lilac mixed with jasmine and roses, and a quality unexplainable that was uniquely Lenora. Her soft golden tresses would never again brush my face as I held her, nor would her lovely, mesmerizing eyes open and twinkle with humor and shine with love. Lenora would never again hold her children and grandchildren or tuck them into bed with goodnight kisses and her own brand of bedtime stories. She was gone, as was half of my soul.
Had it not been for the promise my Lenora extracted from me to survive, I would have gone on to the next world. It is rare for a wolf who has imprinted to survive after losing his mate, and my Lenora knew this all too well. The logical part of my brain agreed with her, for it would have been even more devastating for the children to have lost both of us. My heart, though! Oh, it was such a different story for my heart. The part of my heart that still functioned wanted to go with her, unable to endure being separated from her. But logic won out, and I reluctantly promised to do what I could to survive and be present for our children, the remaining members of our Pack.
Although I felt my Lenora leave me, things weren’t right. Knowing what I know now, I’d have dome things very, very differently. As far as I knew and felt, my Lenora was gone, and there was nothing I could do to change it. Wolf, however, wasn’t having it. My sixth sense was blaring, and Wolf was trying to beat into my thick human brain that something was very wrong. Hope sprang anew when I swore I heard a faint heartbeat and felt a tiny whisper of air pass from my Lenora and land against my cheek. I even went so far as to raise the roof and call for assistance, insisting she was trying to come back. Again, if I knew then what I know now, the events that followed would have taken a very different course.
Attempts to bring my Lenora back were made but failed. According to the monitors and spells performed, all signs of life had ceased. My life’s greatest treasure, my heart’s reason for beating…my goddess…was officially pronounced dead. There was nothing else to do but mourn her and, with my father, perform the Final Wolf Ceremony given to a werewolf upon death. Although not a Wolf, Lenora was the mate of an Alpha, my true and forever love, and therefore was eligible for such a powerful and final blessing. Wolf was banging in protest against his cage, as was my father’s. If only I’d listened. Oh, Great Drogo, I should have heeded and taken to heart all the warning signs and Wolf’s signals that things weren’t as they appeared on the surface.
We gave my Lenora the heartfelt sendoff she deserved, but bizarre things were still happening, On that awful day at the hospital, the smell of death wasn’t even close to Lenora. She was warm and smelled as she did while deeply asleep. My senses are heightened even in human form. Only a Wolf would have been able to detect the seemingly nonexistent pulse and whisper of air I now know to have been real. At the funeral, the death smell was unmistakable, but all signs of her having been a once living Lenora were not present. Even with the scent of death and embalming chemicals, the sense of who she was in life should have been detectable, especially to me, her mate. Somehow, I detected a new scent from her, as if life had just recently begun but was suddenly extinguished. I’d never experienced such a thing, and I nearly called a halt to the services. What spurred me to go on with it was the aftermath I knew I’d have to face with the family. How could I have explained it without coning across as completely certifiable? What would I say to the children without exacerbating their grief further? I knew I’d have the support of my sire and Wolf wanted to slam the brakes on it entirely, but my human sensibilities insisted on continuing. I will regret that decision for the rest of my life and beyond. If I’d have paid more attention to the warning signs and given into Wolf’s signals, I can’t help but believe my Lenora would be beside me now instead of locked away somewhere that I can’t locate. There is no doubt she’s alive. She can briefly reach me telepathically from time to time, and Aurora’s visions say we’ll have my Lenora back. In light of what I know now and Lenora fighting to reach me when she can, I’m doing the unthinkable. I’ve filed a petition to have whoever is in that grave exhumed, for I know beyond any doubt it isn’t my Lenora in there. Someone is holding my beautiful goddess against her will and wants me to believe her dead. I want answers, and I swear I will find out who is sick and twisted enough to pull this kind of stunt. When I do, I can guarantee there will be no way to hold Wolf back. He will have his day, and neither of us will rest until Lenora is safe and at our side where she belongs.
With every breath I take and every beat of my heart, I burn with longing to hold her as close to me as I can. I want whatever binding spells she’s under to be broken so I can fully sense her, which would then lead me right to her location. I swore to always protect her and keep her safe, but I failed miserably. I realize I couldn’t keep her from becoming so desperately ill, nor did I have the knowledge to cure her. What I failed at and will always be ashamed of is ignoring Wolf and turning away from his clear signals when Lenora needed me the most. If I had done what I swore I would always do, I’d have followed Wolf’s directions unquestioningly and brought my Lenora home the instant I felt my sixth sense clanging at me. In light of all that has happened, I’m undeniably certain that whatever was done to her would have worn off in time. In my heart, I know I felt her trying to come back. I’m also certain that Mathilda and Cian were kept away on purpose to keep either of them from curing my Lenora of whatever this was. If Lenora couldn’t come out of it on her own, I would stake my life on their ability to reverse it and bring her back to me, to all of us.
I realize I’d have had a lot of explaining to do to the family because I get how it would have sounded. People buried deeply in grief do strange things sometimes and act in uncharacteristic ways. They’d have come around though, especially with my sire backing me because of his Wolf’s raised hackles. Regardless, I should have acquiesced to Wolf and kept my Lenora with me. If I had, she’d be in my arms now. We wouldn’t have had to face life without her, and all these nightmarish years would never have happened.
An Alpha Wolf never takes a knee before anyone except to his true mate. This will be an absolute necessity, a mandatory action once Lenora is safe at home. I won’t think twice about swallowing any pride I might hold to beg her forgiveness for not protecting her as I should have. Even knowing this, I often wonder how I even have the temerity to ask for her forgiveness when I don’t think I can ever forgive myself. I swear here and now to the Supreme Alpha Pair and by the Ancients that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I will never again leave her vulnerable and in danger. Never again will my Lenora be without my protection and care. Please let her feel my heart and how much I love her. Let me soon hold her close and return her to all of us who love and miss her so. Help me find her unharmed and still protected by Great Drogo’s mark. Please, please let it not be too late to save her.
I really enjoyed writing this way. I think you will, too. 😀
I think what kept Tyrone going after Lenora “died” was that she made him promise, but also fearing for his children to have no one. It would be completely devastating for them to lose both their parents at once, and I’m sure he knew this. I can’t blame him for wanting to join her, but he is doing the best he can with the responsibilities that remain.
It’s understandable that he would look back, knowing what he knows now, and wish he’d done things differently. But he couldn’t have guessed how nefarious the plot against him was. He didn’t even know there was a plot. I’m just glad that they’ll be together again, or I don’t think I would survive. Haha LOLOL 😀
People buried deeply in grief do strange things sometimes and act in uncharacteristic ways.… this is sooo true.
I enjoy learning about the wolf culture, so I liked reading about how he would have to swallow his pride to bend the knee. Interesting stuff.
Great chapter, chickie!
P.S. I’m sorry I lost touch. I feel like I fell off the face of the planet. lol
Oh, I really do enjoy writing in this style for sure. 😀 I’ve done character journals aside from the blog and really love it. It defiitely helps get inside their head at a different level and helps with character development and fighuring out what makes them tick.
Oh yes, I totally agree. Although Tyrone has a huge family and there would hvae been family members to take in the children, he definiely knows what losing both their parents at once would have done and how devastating it would have been. Yes, Lenora extracted a promise, but deep down, he knows what his responsibilities are and as a father and Alpha Wolf, he just couldn’t turn away from that. Obviously, he’s not himself and feels llike he’s just existing, but he’s doing the best he can under the circumstances.
Yep, that’s so true. He had no idea what was going on as it was happening. Neither did Lenora or anyone else, for that matter. I think he’s suffering a major case of survivor’s guilt although Lenora is alive and he knows it. She will tell hm as much, that none of this was his fault and he only did what he knew to do. She’ll tell him there is nothing to forgive and that she loves him unconditionally and forever. 🙂 <3 I totally agree. Heck, I don't think I'D survive if they couldn't be togetherr again. There is just no other way for these two. 🙂 Ah,, I totally cannot wait to get our beautiful power couple back together. 🙂
Oh, very much so. I've known people to make very rash and follhardly decisions while grieving or under a huge amount of stress. That is no time to be making major decisions. Grief really can mess you up sometimes. 🙁
I'm so glad you enjoy learning about the wolf culture. it's so much fun to write, and I'm always coming up with little tidbits of it to add. But yes, an Alpha Wolf needs to remain strong and not show submission to anyone, especially another wolf. That includes bowing and taking the knee. Sure, he'll hunker down to hug his children, but that's different. 🙂 When it comes to their mate, however, a wolf will do what is needed to make ammends, realy or perceived, and we all know Tyrone will do whatever he must to see that Lenora is happy and at peace.
Awww thank you so much. 🙂 So glad you enjoyed this chapter, Chickie. I always look forward to your comments. <3
Hey, no worries. I know you've been going through a hard time as of late. I was also really ugly sick at the end of Novemvber and for a good chunk of December. Then, I was swamped with the concerts our choral group did for the Christmas season. After that, I was in much need for some R&R, and I started redoing my CC folders and had to put my poor Simmies back together. So yeah, I've been out of touch as well.
I agree. Another reason I like writing that way is because your reader only knows what is explicitly told to them. And what if your character is a poor narrater, meaning they see things so differently than they happened. 😀 I used that a lot when Gigi was the heir. She saw that creepy house as beautiful, and saw everything around her with rose colored glasses. If none of the other characters had been writing a journal, you would only have Gigi’s word for everything. I really debated whether to show Sophie’s entries or not because it would have been a huge, huge surprise to reveal at the end of the storyline that what Gigi saw wasn’t reality. The possibilities are really endless in that way.
I admire Tyrone for realizing that because a lot of times, during a deep depression or shock, the person often can’t see that others need them. He’s done a good job holding it together.
I could see where Tyrone is having survior’s guilt. I imagine that would be natural in those circumstances, so bravo for depicting that.
That is part of what is so fun about world-building. You can add to the characters’ cultures. Or subtract! lol 😀
I hope you’re feeling better and having a great birthday!! xoxo 🥳🎂🧁🎈🎉
Oh, I totally agree wtih you! OMG, yes, I remember what happened with Gigi and how she was basically living in this fantasy world that was so far removed from reality. Then when it was revealed through Sophie what that house was really like, I swear it gave me the shivers. I had a feeling she wasn’t seeing things clearly at all but the way reality was revealed was spine tingling. So yes, a journal entry is both a narrow and direct way for the reader to see exactly what the character is seeing and to get up close and personal to their true feelings. The possibilities are, indeed, endless. 😀
Thank you! 🙂 I was realy debating with myself how to write Tyrone in this situation. When I wrote tyhe original storyline on Blogger, I wrote him as much more withdrawn within his grief and not functioning very well at all. Personally, I thought it was very realistic, and I agree with you, that often happens because the person can’t see beyond their own grief to know that others need them. I got a LOT of flack from a couple haters while others who read it could understood how and why he acted and felt that way. When I moved to WordPress and decided to rewrite things, I thought the storyline would have a lot more depth if I wrote him as a bit more engaged but truly struggling to keep it together. Yes, the deep grief still needed to be there and coming right at us, but I figured he should draw on that Alpha Wolf strength and mindset, try to keep it together for his kids because Lenora made him promise but yet knowing himself deep down that he couldn’t just give up, and carry on as best he could. We’ve seen repeatedly that his smiles don’t reach his eyes anymore (both Aurora and Erica have plainly seen this), he doesn’t laugh much these days, and he’s now more reserved and closed. He’s not the Tyrone we’ve known right now, and he feels like he’s just going through the motions. But in this rewritten version, we see his struggle where he WANTS to totally give up but knows he can’t. I hope all that makes sense. Gosh, I tend to ramble. LOLOLOL!!!
Thank you again. 🙂 Yeah, I just figured Tyrone would have a lot of survivor’s guilt because of all the decisions he’s had to make pretty much by himself. At first, he thought the bizarre events were him going crazy when it was his sixth sense all along telling him that something was very off. Knowing what he now knows, he feels like he’s made some horrific judgment calls and wishes he’d done things differently – that those “wrong” decisions added to everyone’s grief and suffering. Survivor’s guilt is so real, and I figured Tyrone, given what happened, would have a huge case of it. The poor man. 🙁
For sure! I make little tweaks all the time to my lore because I’mm just persinckety that way. 😀 Like right now, I’m reworking some of the inner workings of imprinting. The major portions will stay as I have them, but I need to rework some atypical scenarios like an age difference or if someone with strong werewolf blood (not being a wolf themself but have a werewolf parent) might have the ability to imprint, in a way, but be a bit different than how it works as a werewolf. What comes to mind right now and why I’m brainstorming this is Aurora and how she felt so dfrawn to Silvan, even when she saw his picture when she was younger. She hasn’t seen him in person, as of yet of course, but Aurora, being who she is, needs a special way of absolutely recognizing what he will be to her but without the full-blown wolf-type imprinting. I’m rambling again, but trust me, my brain is always full of this kind of thing and what I can do to adjust this world I’ve worked so hard to build. 🙂
Ohhh yes, feeling much better, thank goodness. I’m so sick of being sick. LOLOLOL!!! I’m having a great birthday although we have some really nasty weather. We picked up our daughter and had my birthday dinner out a day early to avoid the icky stuff today (fun time!) so I’m just pretty much chillaxing and keeping warm. 🙂 Something funny happened this morning though. The hubs gave me an envelope that said “One for each year.” As a joke, he had it taped up super tight, and I had a feeling I knew what was in it. 😀 Anyway, I was fiddling with the tape and ended up ripping that whole thing right in half! 😲😲😲 Oooops! Well, I was right. He gave me some cashola to use for whatever – extra mad money for me. Because I tore the thing right in half, money and all, 😲 I had to take Ye Ole Scotch Tape and put them back together. LOLOLOL!! He told me to make sure I taped the right pieces together and then teased me about how I ripped it up because it wasn’t enough. LMAO!! Haha. Well, that’s one for the books. 😀
Anyway, all is good. 🙂 I sure hope things are getting better for you, too, my sweet friend.
I do think that would have been just as realistic if you’d had Tyrone react the same way as when you wrote him on Blogger. I can’t understand the flak you got over that. To me, it is pretty natural of a reaction. I think the way you’re writing him now is also realistic. I imagine there are lots of ways a person could react to something like that that isn’t like the next person, if that makes sense. That’s why I don’t get the flak you got. Who is to say how someone should grieve? It’s really an individual thing. To Tyrone, Lenora dying is like he is dying, too. She is the one and only he will ever want. It’s an intense relationship because she feels the same way about him.
I also think it makes sense that he would interpret the things he’s noticing as that he’s going crazy.
I know what you mean about sick of being sick. Girl. I. Know. lol
Well, I hope you had a good’un. I thought about you a lot today, hoping you were having a good birthday.
Mad money is AWESOME!! lol That’s funny about the tape. lol
Things are definitely better here. It’s a process. I think I was sick for like a month.
Sending you love and hugs. xoxo
I totally agree with you. In my mind, it’s dang near impossible for a wolf to survive after losing his mate, and I wanted to show that yes, he lived, but what kind of life was it? People grieve in different ways, and I didn’t feel I wrote him out of the ordinary the way he was on Blogger. The long and short of it was, it got way out of hand with the complaining and bellyaching getting worse with each post I made. Without actually coming right out and saying it, they were yipping at me to rewreite/change the story to suit them.. At the end of the day, I’M the author and what I say goes. I never demanded rewrites of their stuff, but I wasn’t given the same respect. It was a learning experience for sure and one I wish had been done differentyly. I’m highly diligent now about putting content warnings on each chapter, even if I think it’s fairly tame and could do without it. I try to cover all my bases, and I have disclaimers up on my site. My attitude now is with all of that in plain view, I shouldn’t and won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. Nobody’s forcing anyone to read, so they’re free to leave if they have a problem with my writing in whatever way, Civil discussion is one thing and is very much welcomed, but tixicity isn’t.
That is so right on! For Tyrone, Lenora dying is definitely like hei is dying, too, and Lenora clearly feels the same way about him. It really is an intense relationship and bond where neither are complete without the other. That’s what I was trying to get across and I hope I did it justice,
I think so as well. Plus, Tyrone has a background in psychology, too (he went for a double major in college with music and psychology) so the logical part of his brain knew that wishful thinking is a powerful thing that can make you see things that aren’t there. That’s what he thought was happening to him and believed he was gonig out of his mind because of it.
Oh yes! I’m sure you do know how it feels. I, too, was down for, like, a month – end of November and a good chunk of December for me. Man, that crap just couldn’t go away. 🙁
I sure did although the day is passing much too quickly. LOL!! We got kind of a late start and slept in, so it feels kinda strange. I got caught up on some journaling though and went through some old email that had to go. Catching up on “Hell’s Kitchen” because I haven’t seen the newest episode just yet. 😀
Mad money is AWESOME for sure. 😀 Glad you got a good laugh over the tape. I couldn’t believe I did that. LOLOLOL!!!!
Awwww, it’s so nice to be thought of. 🙂 Been thinking of you as well with you all being sick and all. So glad things are going so much better for you. Yes, it sure is a process and takes time to get back on that proverbial horse, doesn’t it?
Sending you lots of love and hugs right back. XOXOXOXO