From the Journal of Debbie Evans

Never in my wildest imaginings did I ever picture myself as the maternal type. It’s funny how life can turn on its head. I mean, I’d gone from high-powered businesswoman to divorcee to victim to single mother in less than eighteen months. I’d so wanted this new beginning to be done right, but it seemed I’d made a mess of things once again. But then, I chided myself for that kind of thinking every time I picked up my little son. He hadn’t been planned, and raising a child as a single mother wasn’t my ideal situation, but I could never call him a mistake. Now that I had him, I realized I couldn’t live without him. I loved him so very fiercely, and he was mine.

All those mom things that had sounded so awful before were now a part of my life. Sure, doing all of this alone was hard, but how could I have ever thought it so terrible?

Nathaniel was a good-natured baby. He usually settled when I picked him up, and my heart squeezed with love every time he cooed or smiled at me. He looked at the world with such intelligent eyes. Nathaniel was my pride and joy, and I loved taking care of him.

Simon called as often as he could, and I had mixed feelings about that. I knew I needed his help, which embarrassed me to no end. We weren’t in love with each other, nor did I think we had any kind of future together as a couple. He was married to someone else and had a family with her. Still, if Simon turned out to be Nathaniel’s father, he had a right to share in Nathaniel’s life. This was, no doubt, an awkward and unpleasant situation for all of us.

“The paternity test results came in today,” I informed him a few weeks after Nathaniel’s birth.

“And?” he asked.

“According to the test, you are Nathaniel’s father, not Shane.”

On the other end, Simon breathed out a long, shaky breath. “We need to talk about this…and I’d like to see my son. Will you allow that?”

“Yes, of course,” I said. “You’re his father, so you have every right to see him. And…and we do need to talk about how this effects us.

It was a few days before Simon was able to come over, When he arrived, I ushered him inside and went to get Nathaniel. Simon was eager to hold him, and I felt a pang rip through my heart as he looked down at the tiny baby. It was clear to see how enthralled he was with his son. I was glad of it but sad at the same time because the situation we were in was less than ideal, to put it mildly.

After a while, Simon put Nathaniel back in his crib and came into the living room with me. “I reckon we should get down to it. Debbie, I want to be a father to my son, but I can’t leave Ericka and hook up with you.”

“I never asked you to, nor did I expect that,” I said. “We were in lust, Simon, not love, and as I said, I don’t think I could ever be with anyone again after…” I trailed off, unable to finish the sickening thought aloud.

His expression turned sad. “I hope you’ll feel differently in time after you’ve had some therapy.”

I just shrugged and felt an uncomfortable silence hang over us. I didn’t relish the idea of therapy but knew logically that going through with it would be best so I could take care of Nathaniel to the best of my ability.

Simon cleared his throat. “I’m more than prepared to take financial responsibility for our son, but I also hope you’ll allow me visitation privileges.”

I looked steadily into his earnest face. “He’s your son, Simon. I would never keep him from you. But…well…your wife…”

“Like I said, I’ll deal with Ericka. I told you before that I wouldn’t abandon you, and I’m sticking by that.” Reaching for the leather briefcase he’d brought with him, he took out a sheaf of papers. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking after our last talk and had something roughly drafted. You can change anything you want and have it made official through our lawyers if you wish. As you can see, this will benefit both you and Nathaniel more than adequately.”

Reluctantly, I took the papers, my jaw dropping open as I read. “According to this, you’re setting up a trust fund for Nathaniel, and a very sizable one at that. Plus, you’re giving me controlling interest in the cosmetics company with the option to buy you out later on if I so choose. Lastly, you’ve set up an account for me?” I dropped the papers on the sofa beside me and gawked at him. “You’ve got some explaining to do.”

“Okay,” Simon said. “First of all, don’t balk at the money. I don’t think I need to remind you that I’m a rather wealthy man. I have assets held both separately and jointly with Ericka, and what I’m doing here will come from my own personal assets. Nathaniel is my son, and I want to see him well provided for by both of us. I will also pay you monthly child support in addition to his trust fund. Amounts and details can be worked out later. This fund is well invested and will grow exponentially. By the time he is ready for college, there will be more than enough to pay for his education and much more.”

I nodded. “Go on.”

“I was eventually going to give you controlling interest of the company anyway. Everyone, including me, knows you’re the heart and soul of it, and it’s your efforts that’s making it succeed faster than even I had hoped. This gives you the authority to run it how you wish without having to go through me to sign off on any changes or decisions you want to make. This will make you a very wealthy woman in time. Plus, I know how awkward our working closely together would be now, so this will give the space needed in that environment.”

My head was reeling. “The increase in income will help tremendously…but are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t.”

I gingerly picked up the papers as if touching them would set them aflame. “This account for me, Simon, I don’t need that. I–“

“I told you not to balk at the money, Debbie. At least hear me out on this, okay? My reasons are very simple, in fact. First of all, you’re going to need a bigger place, and that money will help you get one.”

I looked around and smiled a little crookedly despite the seriousness of the situation. “Oh, I don’t know. This place is kinda growing on me.”

Simon chuckled a little. “Let’s think about this. It’s fine for one person, but once Nathaniel grows a bit more, he’s going to need his own space.”

I shrugged and scratched my head. “I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

“Luckily, I did, and you have to admit I’m right.”

I sighed wearily as I surveyed the little area I’d set up for Nathaniel. It had barely enough room for his crib and changing station. It was as if I’d shoved the poor kid into a broom closet.

“Another thing. You were attacked in this house, and being here certainly won’t be good for recovery,” Simon pointed out.

I gulped and squeezed my eyes shut. I was plagued by nightmares every single night, and there was an aura of fear clinging to me each time I walked through my own front door. “You’re right,” I whispered.

“Then, it’s settled. No more arguments,” Simon said with finality.

What else could I say? I desperately needed help with all of this, and Simon was generous in providing it. For Nathaniel’s sake, all I could do was nod and allow it to happen.

Nathaniel got a little fussy a half hour after Simon left. I sat with him in the rocker, my head swimming from everything Simon and I had talked about. In a way, I felt like I was selling my soul to the devil. I fervently prayed I wasn’t digging myself further into a hole I’d never be able to extricate myself from. It was so tempting to call Simon and tell him I didn’t want any of it. Looking into my son’s tiny face, I knew I couldn’t do that. In order to provide him with the stable life he needed and deserved, a deal with the devil would have to be realized.

I wasn’t one of those moms who sang hokey little lullabies to her kid. Instead, I went back to my favorite song and sang it to my little son while the rocker glided over the floor.

“It is the evening of the day.
I sit and watch the children play.
Smiling faces I can see,
But not for me.
I sit and watch as tears go by…”

It was a sad song, one filled with regret at how things in life pass us by. The song had always made my heart bleed. As much as I wanted to shield Nathaniel from the hardships of life, I knew it was an impossible undertaking. Life was painful sometimes, and I knew I’d have to be the one to warn him of that when he was older.

My little baby fell asleep in my arms, and I sat for a long time just holding him close. If only I could keep him little forever. “Mama loves you, kiddo. No matter what happens, I want you to always remember that,” I whispered into his little ear.

I tucked Nathaniel into his crib and sat down to read the newest Lenora Landgraab romance novel. It was nice to lose myself in a world of beautiful, passionate characters. I always thought that Lenora’s books couldn’t get any better, but as each new one was released, I was certainly glad to be wrong. When I opened one of her books, I was swept away in that world, so much so that I could see it vividly playing out in front of me. If there was one thing that was on my bucket list, it was to meet Lenora Landgraab again and have her autograph. every one of her books I owned.

Before I knew it, it was time for Nathaniel’s feeding. His hungry cries always came right on cue, for I did my best to keep him on a pretty good schedule.

I got myself into my nightie and went in to play with Nathaniel before his bath time. It always made me smile to hear his giggles when I made silly faces or blew raspberries at him or on his little belly. Oh, I hoped he’d never lose that beautiful laugh of his.

He giggled and splashed in the bathwater, making me laugh. I’d found a little rubber ducky, and Nathaniel loved it when I squeezed it. Every time I bathed him, I squeezed the little toy to make it squeak and sang “Rubber Ducky” to him.

I loved Nathaniel’s little baby smell just after he’d had his bath. I held him close to me for a while before popping him into his crib and heading for bed myself. Tomorrow was another day, and I knew I’d have a lot to tend to over the next little while. Things were going to change, hopefully for the better, and I had to bite the bullet and schedule my first therapy session. This was all for Nathaniel, and for Nathaniel, I’d do anything, including bearing my soul to a complete stranger.